humor
capricious cratchets of jesting jocundity
- Rodney Dangerfield's Best One-Liners
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by Rodney Dangerfield
A girl phoned me the other day and said ...."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. One day as I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy ..."Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early." It's been a rough ... - Dividing Souls
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by Unknown
On the outskirts of town, there was huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward ... - Holmes and Watson
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by Unknown
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of ... - Bible in less than 50 words..
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by Unknown
Adam bit Noah arked Abraham split Joseph ruled Jacob fooled Bush talked Moses balked Pharaoh plagued People walked Sea divided Tablets guided Promise landed Saul freaked David peeked Prophets warned Jesus born God walked Love talked Anger crucified Hope died Love rose Spirit flamed Word spread God remained. - This is only a test...
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by Unknown
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are truly a "professional". Scroll down for the answers. The questions are not that difficult. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe ... - We are not the Lost Generation
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by Unknown
Friends, this is one of the best emails of all time. If you were born between 1965 and 1977 (give or take a year or two) you will certainly enjoy this as much as I did. Don't skip a line. I am a child of the 70's & 80's. That is what I prefer to be called. The 90's can do without me. Grunge isn't ... - Two Kids
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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. ... - Riddle
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God made Adam out of the dust, But thought it best to make me first; So I was made before the man, According to God's Holy plan. My whole body God made complete, Without arms or hands or feet. My ways and acts did God control, But in my body He placed no soul. A living being I became, And Adam gave ... - Connidities
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Examples of Connidities: After shooting the bull for a while, Max gave Slim a bum steer. Jane didn't beat around the bush when she turned over a new leaf. Snoopy flew the coop whenever he was down in the dumps. John went through a hair-raising operation, followed by a few close shaves. George was on ... - Anagrams of Garth Nathaniel Hill
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by thaabit
ALIEN HALL THAN RIGHT ALIEN GARTH HATH NILL LINEAR HANG HATH LILT LINEAR HANG HATH TILL LINEAR GNAT HATH HILL LEAN HATING HATH RILL GNARL HAIL THAN LITHE HANGAR ANTHILL LITHE - The Paradox of our Time
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by George Carlin
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways,but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees,but less sense; ... - Anagrams
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by unknown
dormitory: dirty room presbyterian: best in prayer astronomer: moon starer desperation: a rope ends it the eyes: they see george bush: he bugs gore the morse code: here come dots slot machines: cash lost in me animosity: is no amity election results: lies - let's recount snooze alarms: alas! ... - Phoenix Dark Dirk
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by Ben Stiller
Monica: Okay, yeah. I got a question for you. Furious: Cool. Kick it. Monica: What's your name? Furious: Do--Do you mean my secret identity? 'Cause I-- I...couldn't. Monica: No, I just, you know, mean your name. Furious: My name. Um, wow. Okay, uh...It's--It's Phoenix. Phoenix Dark. Dirk. Phoenix ... - Serious Research
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by Unknown
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter ... - Top 47 Oxymorons
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by Unknown
47. Act naturally 46. Found missing 45. Resident alien 44. Advanced BASIC 43. Genuine imitation 42. Airline Food 41. Good grief 40. Same difference 39. Almost exactly 38. Government organization 37. Sanitary landfill 36. Alone together 35. Legally drunk 34. Silent ... - Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies
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by Unknown
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing parade - at any time of the year. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of ... - Snowball in Hell
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by Unknown
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail ... - Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn
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by Dave Barry
1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time. 2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 3. The most powerful ... - Can you imagine working for a company like this?
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by Unknown
It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics: *29 have been accused of spousal abuse *7 have been arrested for fraud *19 have been accused of writing bad checks *117 have bankrupted at least two businesses *3 have been arrested for assault *71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit ... - BIBLE according to children
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by Unknown
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., spelling errors have been left in). In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. ... - THE THINGS KIDS SAY...HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
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by Unknown
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10 "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find ... - Why did the chicken cross the road?
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by Unknown
VICE PRESIDENT GORE I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them. GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give ... - The Following were actual answers to a 6th grade history test
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by Unknown
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without ... - Tech Support
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by Unknown
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly." Tech Support: "What does it say?" Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk." Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?" Customer: "No, but there's ... - Angry Passenger
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by Unknown
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight ...
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